Sunday, April 2, 2017

Oy Vey! At First I Thought Google Had Betrayed Me - But It Was My Own Self Wot Did! - And Now I Have To Let This Blog Go Too!!

I googled myself to see if something I'd posted elsewhere was going to appear in the Google search that I didn't want to appear there. What I discovered was that this blog, this I thought carefully protected from the public blog, appeared in the search under my name.

What the what?!, I thought. How could this happen?! My blog is not registered under my name or my main email address! I immediately blamed google, of course. But then I saw it! There in my blog profile! My full name!!! AAAACK!!!! It was an uneducated mistake on my part! And to think that it's been like this since the beginning!

This means that ONCE AGAIN, I DO NOT HAVE PRIVACY FROM MY FOO, AND THAT ONCE AGAIN THEY HAVE ACCESS TO MY BLOG AND HAVE BEEN READING THINGS I WOULD NOT WANT THEM TO READ!
And please know that my ex-sister, the spy, will have definitely found it.

I'm feeling so exposed.
And vulnerable.
And sad.
And sorry.
And stupid.
And even a bit violated.
And very disappointed.
And very stressed-out.

It's only been less than a year since I permanently orphaned myself from them out of necessity for my health, sanity, happiness, and freedom.

I thought I was finally safe from them---because I finally had gotten them to stop contacting us---and I thought I was finally free to be the blogger that I want to be: To just be myself and to be able to write my heart and soul. And to grow in talent and substance as a blogger and writer. And to grow as a person who is becoming her true self at long last.

What a shocker that I have to kiss a fifth blog goodbye due to those unfortunate people.


Oh Well! I find that I'm not overly broken-up about it. First of all, a spiritual practice of mine is to not get attached to things. Secondly, I can create a "real" last blog if I want to, and this time I won't make any mistakes in revealing it to anyone I don't want it revealed to.

I apologize to my subscribers. I have no way of knowing who you are or how to reach you to let you know if I create a new blog, unless we're friends on Facebook or elsewhere.

Dr. Smith Says It Well!


..."Oh the pain of it all!"

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Doctor Visit -- First In Over A Year -- Told Her About My Alcoholism

Well, it makes sense to blog about my sobriety now and then on this blog!
May It Inspire Others

First of all, now that I'm 60, I've decided to give western medicine another chance, trust my newish doctor, and go see her more often. After all, there's a list of things to get checked-out by now.

Dr. Wolinski, DO, has already shown me she is teachable and validating about ME/CFS, unlike any other primary care physician I have tried over two decades. She eagerly borrowed my DVD, Forgotten Plague (link in right margin. video available on amazon prime), which made me feel really good and cared about. My biological dentist, Dr. Yoo, watched it last year, the dear soul that he is, and he said it helped him very much to understand my situation before doing my grueling bridge work.

It felt really good and right telling Dr. W. about my drinking history. She was very surprised. She was so darn supportive and non-judgmental and readily agreed to keep it out of my medical records.

There are no words to describe how grateful I am for that miraculous healing I got in November that freed me from the clutches of my decades-long on-again-off-again torrid love affair with alcohol.
When I think about what I was doing to my already very ill body, including sucking up probably ALL the vitamin B12, which I'm already depleted of due to a thing called MTHFR Mutation, which is separate from the ME/CFS or the Hashimotos Thyroiditis----anyway, when I think "How could I have done that to myself? Drunk alcohol like I did??" The only answer is "Because you're an alcoholic and drinking made you feel normal."

So, I'm celebrating all this sobriety, the few slips I had (12/8, 12/9, 2/24) to me were part of my recovery process. That last fairly recent one really showed me how different I am now because I hated every moment of it, even that initial buzz that drinkers live for. And the secret truth is, that when I chose to buy some beer I was telling myself I could drink once a month just to feel normal and no one would be the wiser. THANK GODGODDESSUNIVERSE THAT DID NOT TAKE HOLD!!!




Sunday, March 26, 2017

40 Reasons Why I Write (Challenge)


http://positivewriter.com/reasons-why-write-challenge/








1) I write because every time I do, no matter what I write or whom I'm writing to, I feel connected to my muse/my twin soul!

2) - 40)   "           "              "

Well, OK, that's a bit of an exaggeration, but honestly? Not much of one! Not much of one AT ALL!

Friday, March 17, 2017

Divine Union - The Love Story of Jesus and Mary Magdalene

What may have happened at the crucifixion (I've heard this from other sources as well), that Jesus didn't die on the cross and why and how Mother Mary, Mary Magdalene, and Elizabeth helped him survive, that Jesus and Mary Magdalene were married twin souls, that more and more twin souls are reuniting in the present time to fulfill a mission....

 

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

What SHE Says


Beloved Anah Maa. TRUTH. Wake Up!



Personally, I won't go so far as to give up media, but I do take frequent breaks from TV and Internet and SmartPhone. And I pay close attention to how I feel in my body. If I start to feel stressed in any way, or my thoughts spiral into negativity, it's definitely time to get out of the matrix for a while, go within, find peace and love and joy in my heart and breath.

Friday, March 3, 2017

Post-RainRainRain At Mission Trails! Gorgeous!


 Brand New Crack:
Someone's Dog Loves The New Stream Too:
 Whoa! Poor Tree!:
 Never Too Young To Appreciate MT!:









Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Monday, February 20, 2017

So Much Beauty Today!

Courtesy of Mission Trails Regional Park and my cellphone!

And, apparently, because it's President's Day, there were soo many people out there enjoying nature on this holiday. Pleasing to me was the diversity in the smiling folks I saw! Let's see.... black, white, Mexican, Asian, Middle Eastern, German or Austrian....all but the African Americans and Caucasians speaking in foreign languages. Would that I were a photographer with a professional looking camera I would have asked to take photographs of each of them. Beautiful People. I have to say this too---given that this was "Klantee" (the term the kids named Santee when they were in high school there), the melting pot this morning meant even more to me!


Disappointingly, when you enlarge the video windows you end up with a blurry view, so either way you can't really see what I saw!


Sunday, February 19, 2017

I Love What I'm Learning About TwinSouls

Well, goodness, I could write a book on this already, I think!

Not time yet!

Here's one source of information that resonated with me.




Friday, February 17, 2017

It Was HORRID Out There -- But At Least There Was This Flower

Maybe despite what's in my best interests (I don't know. Nobody knows with this disease. ME/CFS), I remained consistent in my routine of going to Mission Trails (every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday since Feb 1st), for a mile walk --- but it was cut dramatically short by something that was simply too much for me.

Suddenly, from a side-trail, two school-buses-full of middle-schoolers emerged behind me walking down the road I was on -- They were SINGING THE PRAISES OF TRUMP. Singing the praises of The Predator In Chief. Many wearing the red hats that say you know what.

I stopped in my tracks, made a U-y to the other side of the road, and headed back to my car less than 1/4 mile away where I had seen the school buses parked. I stared at those innocent kids with dismay all over my face as I passed by them. That hurts me. I ALWAYS smile at kids.

OK, so obviously not all of them were chanting, "Yay, Trump!", but it felt like it.

Sheep To The Slaughter.

I Want To Die.

Here's a beautiful flower though that I captured digitally before the trauma. The first of just a few to bloom this year so far.


Saturday, February 11, 2017

Learning To Focus

I think most of us are feeling scatter-brained lately. There are so many things going on at once and so much to do and it's really hard to focus.

But as newly returned to being alcohol-free (two months yesterday!), it's even weirder trying to get focused---on say, my writing. I find myself "wishing" I'd do more than blogging, emailing, Facebooking, and posting on the Soberistas message board.

I did this thing a week or so ago where I moved my manuscript from my nightstand into my bookshelf cupboard. I did that because I felt I needed to take a break from thinking about finishing my memoir. I felt I needed to circulate some stale energy because those typed pages had been staring at me there for months, no, years! I figured if I Let It Go, I would eventually know when it was time to bring it back out and finally finish that Labor Of Love I wrote the bulk of in 2012. After all, when it comes to memoir writing, timing is everything. I've been through a lot regarding my FOO, and it hasn't even been a year since I permanently orphaned myself from them. I need time to adjust. I absolutely don't feel motivated or compelled to work yet.

On another note, I'd love to be able to get up and write when I wake up at 3 or 4 in the morning! That would be the perfect time for me to have full-focus-without-distraction. Gosh how productive that would be!

But instead what I do in the wee hours when I'm awake is toss and turn and try to go back to sleep---which often takes a couple hours.

OhGoshWhatAWasteOfTimeAndEnergy! !

Here's the thing though; here's what blocks me:  FEAR

Fear of causing an ME/CFS crash when the normal waking hours roll around. Fear of having to sleep through half my day because of getting up in the middle of the night. If I'm in a crash I can't take care of my household and my life!

I don't want to write a long thing about this right now. Well, I never want to write long blog posts! You're Welcome! :D




Friday, February 10, 2017

A Portrait Of Self Love. And Boobies Mountain

Post-shower.
Inside I'm counting my blessings that I'm back to walking at Mission Trails 3x a week again!


Well, what do YOU think this mountain looks like in the distance? ;)



Thursday, February 9, 2017

No Videos Today I Say!

Well, first of all it's Thursday, and Thursday (and Tuesday and Saturday) are designated anaerobic days at the gym---when my body lets me know it's ready to try that again after several years away (back in my 50s!).

Here's the thing I want to bitch about this morning here in my living journal: IT'S BEEN OVER A MONTH AND I STILL CAN'T LOSE A SINGLE POUND! Over a month of eating back at my healthy and light norm since November's start of holiday eating, and almost two months (tomorrow) since I quit drinking, and a whole week of regular mile-walking at Mission Trails three mornings a week (so, four mornings and counting).

I'M GETTING VERY FRUSTRATED. I THREW THE SCALE AWAY!!

I know it's not my fault, it's the Hashimotos fault---the thyroid disorder. Maybe it's going to be even harder to lose weight in my 60s than it ever was before even. It's not fair! There, I said it! But, it really isn't. I understand that Hashis puts 25 lbs. on you (so, more than that is the individual's doing). And I know this to be true in my own experience. I only wish to lose 20 lbs., and I'll settle for 15, and I've done it before and I'll do it again. I won't give up.

One of my new Soberistas friends says I have an iron will! : )

I'm determined for the sake of Self Love and health more than vanity. And for the sake of comfort in my body. Whatever a person is comfortable with, that's how much they ought to weigh. I do envy the women who are big and beautiful and love it. I'll never be that!

Maybe I'll be a little less sick and crashy today in my ME/CFS than I have been. Maybe my bod is starting to adjust to the walking.

But, this is how I feel!:


Wednesday, February 8, 2017

More Video Logs

First of all, I had a non-drinking drinking dream last night! I love when that happens. I'm almost two months alcohol-free and I dreamt that a couple of friends asked me for support because they were having some tough times and needed someone to listen. Of course I said yes. Then one of them shoved a shot glass in my hand and pulled out some sort of hard liquor; probably white tequila because it was clear. Maybe vodka. And as she's filling my glass I said NO and tried to pull away which only spilled booze everywhere. So I let her simply fill the thing. But then I didn't drink it. I think I said "You ought to try cannabis instead. It's very healing." 

So, yesterday I was pretty sick and crashy due to Monday's one mile walk. Today's videos speak for themselves.

Do you want to know where I got the idea to start video journals? Good ole Frankie of the Netflix series Grace and Frankie. Feels like too long in-between new seasons!

I love the beauty of nature at Mission Trails!







Monday, February 6, 2017

Day 3 At MT (Clearly I Don't Have An Issue With Vanity!)

And hey! It's like I always say (as of this morning!), 
The body is Great, but it ain't All That! The Spirit is All That! : )

Beloved Mission Trails Regional Park



Saturday, February 4, 2017

The Truth About My Eyes

These are the only orange clip-ons I could find on amazon, and yes, they are heavy. I just started wearing them when I'm on my laptop. I'm hoping it will prevent my eyesight from deteriorating any further. When I go for my walks at my beloved Mission Trails, and look up at the beautiful blue sky, I don't even see blue anymore---I see a gray and black haze. It's like I'm looking through nylons. The sky is absolutely covered with billions of hazy gray and black dots massed together. In addition to that I have floaters, tons of them.

And guess what folks? As is always the case for me no matter what I go to any doctor for since getting ME/CFS, two eye doctors and one opthamologist said "I don't see anything" when they do an exam. Not only that, they simply dismiss the whole thing and offer me no solace or information about what it could be and what caused it.

When I suggested to them that I think it's my laptop because the problem didn't start until I got my first laptop, they dismissed that idea, so, of course, so did I. And guess what? The problem has continued to progress and it's scary. I read an article at mercola.com about orange lenses protecting eyes somewhat from certain things (I'm sorry, it was a while ago I read it and I don't recall the details), so I got these in desperation.

My theory is that because my glasses are so magnified, the light from the laptop is burning my retinas.

Being a real Sky Person, losing my joy of gazing up at it and appreciating its beauty is traumatizing. So much so that it kept me from going to Mission Trails (the only place I go for walks) for the past couple years or so. But I've decided to stop complaining because it doesn't help. And I've chosen not to be afraid anymore either. I've embraced my fate because it is what it is. And after all, this is just ONE lifetime!!




I might add that another disturbing thing that's been going on is bright flashes of light in the sides of my eyeballs when I move my eyes to the right or left!

Here's more fun facts about my incredible eyes!:

Born cross-eyed; had two surgeries at age four.
Can only use one eye at a time; my left eye is dominant. I only use my right eye, by choice, to watch TV (you know, to give it something to do!)
Extremely farsighted.
Severe astigmatism.

. . .All the retina specialist ophthalmologist told me whenever it was I saw him (one or two years ago) was to call him immediately if I have another ocular migraine. I saw geometrical shapes, mostly triangles, in bright colors moving across my vision, that lasted for 20 minutes. It freaked me out!
I think I'll make an appointment with him soon anyway. But he's just going to say the same thing he said last time, that he doesn't see a problem.


Friday, February 3, 2017

Things Are Shaping Up Pretty Good---Well, Almost

I'm going to rock the hell out of being 60. And then I'm going to rock the hell out the decade of 60. Yeah!

Starting this chapter almost two months into permanent sobriety makes my whole being sing.

Dealing with the aging process and having debilitating chronic illnesses is going to inspire me again, like it hasn't for many years.

I'm back to walking three mornings a week at my beloved sanctuary, Mission Trails Regional Park, and I'm going to join a gym again after many years, and do the anaerobic machines three mornings a week like I used to do.

Of course, those plans have to be very flexible as often the body says "NO."

I'm the heaviest I've been in years too. How'd that happen?! Geesh! Never ever would have believed I'd reach the weight again that I struggled at so many years ago! But, alas, I have. Weight is a subjective thing and should mostly be about health and what each person feels comfortable with. It's so fucking hard for me to lose weight. For example, I've been eating lighter again all year, have cut way back on the sugar, gluten, and dairy I consumed during the holidays, have been exercising again........and not one pound dropped! Beyond frustrating!!! Not to mention having quit drinking! I sooo deserve to get back "my" preferred body. Don't I??!!


Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Well, That Wasn't So Bad!

It  was a great birthday for me. I feel very blessed and very grateful. : )

In fact, when I woke up Monday morning after the fore-written about depression, I noticed how much joy I felt. The point I want to get to is that because of this experience, I was able to learn that all my hard work is paying off because I'm absolutely noticing the depth of Self Love that really is a part of me now. : )

I always say there's a gift in every problem (but I borrowed that from Richard Bach's books)(Like Illusions), since back in my early 20s. Had Richard not had his issues that affected me, and my birthday dinner not been a bust, I may not have learned how much I've grown in Self Love. Self Love being everything! It would change the world if everyone remembered Who they are.

Monday was great, Tuesday, my 60th birthday was even better. So Much Love. So many love bombs showered upon me from all over. Love you, Facebook friends! Love you Soberistas! Love you Eric and Kathe! ADORE you my daughters. Look at the beautiful cards they made me.




Richard texted me yesterday morning that for my present he's going into counseling to find out if he has the unresolved issues with women like I think (know!) he has. I  was super surprised and grateful, and happy for him. Who among us doesn't have issues? Sometimes it takes others to point ours out for us.

Monday, January 30, 2017

Thoughts About Turning The Big 6-0 Tomorrow

And I'm trying to type this while watching Spicer's scary nonsense in his Press Briefing.

But if I start talking about politics, I'll disappear down the rabbit hole. Flagrant Insanity By The Orange One And His Cronies. Fascist-Type Lies. If it's true that his presidency is what is preventing Putin from militarily attacking our country, then, I guess that's something.

It's turning out to be one of the shittiest birthday's I've had, and I'm very depressed and am isolating. At the same time I have no desire to drink, which makes it a most excellent birthday! Will be two months AF on Feb. 10.

Richard and I have been calmly at odds, via emails, since an upsetting phone conversation the evening of the phenomenal Women's March over a week ago, and I have no desire to talk to him. It's definitely women related; his mindset; his albeit-rather-minor-in-the-scheme-of-things, unresolved issues that he can't or refuses to see. Those issues of course were felt in our marriage. I chose to cancel my birthday dinner last night. I also chose to cancel my birthday on the 31st. I told my probable-twin soul who lives across the miles yesterday in an email that I'm depressed and going off the grid. I'm keeping to myself until I feel better.

Even though I'm depressed, I'm honoring myself by honoring my feelings. I'm NOT feeling sorry for myself, not that there would be anything wrong with that.

I feel good about turning 60. I expect it, on a personal level, to be the start of my best decade ever---health issues not withstanding.

It's a shame, I guess, that my big 6-0 is a bust though. People deserve to celebrate heartily on milestone birthdays!

But it is what it is, and I'm depressed and cocooning.

My delightful daughters made me delicious gluten-free brownies yesterday to cheer me up. YUM!

Today I'm going to cook the dinner that was planned for my birthday dinner yesterday, and that will take my daughters off the hook on my birthday tomorrow. I don't want to impose on them when I'm no fun.... That's not it so much---it's that we always celebrate holidays and special events together as a family; the four of us. So, it just doesn't feel right without their dad here. Tomorrow I will have an unbirthday. My daughters will give me the artistic cards they made me, and I can't wait for that!

Every day I get to make eye contact with my girls and it floods me with indescribable love, gratitude, joy, and pride.

Maybe I'll blog tomorrow here in my living journal at actual 60-years-young, to report how the day unfolded.



Thursday, January 19, 2017

I'M IN CRISIS MODE

(I posted this at Soberistas.)
EVERYTHING HAS SUDDENLY BECOME TOO MUCH. Been watching the hearings.
I PICKED SUCH AN EFFING HARD TIME TO QUIT DRINKING!!!!
I EFFING QUIT DECEMBER 10TH LAST YEAR!
IT'S EFFING HARD TO QUIT DRINKING AT CHRISTMAS/NEW YEARS!!! But I did it.
ON TOP OF THAT, EFFING POLITICS!!!!!!!!
AND NOW TOMORROW THE INAUGURATION FROM HELL!!!!!!!!!
I AM SO EFFING STRESSED TO THE MAX BY NOW!!!
IT'S BEEN ACCUMULATING.
FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE I QUIT DRINKING I'M REMEMBERING A HUGE REASON I DRANK:  TO CALM MY HIGH-STRUNG MIND!!!!

I remember how I COULD NOT get through election night in November without getting drunk.

 
I just got honest with my feelings and faced them and thought about alcohol and how much I wish I could drink right now to save me from this stress and angst. And that was followed by, "But I can't, I can't!" And that was followed by gratitude and the feelings that I really don't want booze, but I do want relief.

I have to live like this. And for God knows how long. It's going to get worse and worse in this country.

I PICKED SUCH A STUPID TIME TO STOP DRINKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But I'm reminded of the wise words of my favorite spiritual teacher about needing to be clean and clear during this time in vibrational history and how important that is. And I'm remembering the HEALINGS I received from Heavenly sources. And of my PROMISE to myself and my Loves!

So, I know I'm absolutely RIGHT to have stopped drinking when I did, but I give myself permission to effing CRY and BAWL and BITCH and VENT.
 

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Never Have I Ever Had A Cat Do This To Me Before!

(OK, now it's a funny story!) He peed on my floor in my bedroom this morning! And it destroyed my leather portfolio binder and all the papers inside! And I think he did it simply because I didn't get up when he wanted me to! You know, to feed him and let him out to do cat things until Second Breakfast! We have two almost-4-year-old cat brothers, Tom Sawyer (the culprit) and Huck Finn. Because of Tom's young age it's clear he wasn't trying to tell me he has some health issue. He's very healthy. No, he's apparently just incorrigible?! He's an orange tabby, does that mean anything??

It was only just after 8 a.m. the same time one of the cats usually cries at my door to come in for some lovin' before I drag my weary bones out of bed for the morning routine. I let Tom in and sleepily pet him for awhile on the bed to his contented purring. A few minutes later he jumped down and started meowing as he usually does to rouse me --- And then this ridiculous action just happened! Yes--They Have A Cat Box!!

I was so incensed, I spritzed him once with the enzyme spray I was using to clean up his smelly mishap, and he fled the scene of the crime. Because, yes, he was right there still insisting I feed him NOW! Then, back in the kitchen, I put their ID collars on, put First Breakfast in their bowls, but only gave Huck his, right in front of Tom, and I picked Tom up and tossed him (forcefully but gently) out the back door! So there! Dumb cat! Take that! (Hope it works!! Hope he never tries anything that stupid again!)

He came in like 30 minutes later to eat. Yes, he acted as if nothing happened! Smug bastard! 

I've had cats all my life, and this is a first.


Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Thank You For Reading Me!

I truly appreciate it!

It is such a joy for me to share my writings with you!

May I always either surprise or delight you, and may I always Inspire!