Oh No! It's too early in my sobriety to face this kind of pressure!
Christmastime being synonymous with booze of all kinds, 'n all!
I'll get through it by bitching about it and by eating lots of chocolate! Even before lunch if needed! Like yesterday! When I was watching The Great American Baking Show. !
OMG, everywhere you go and every show you watch and almost everyone you talk to and all the booze-shares on Facebook..... !!!
The heck with sugar inflaming the arthritis in my poor body. If I have to choose between having more arthritis pain, in my hips especially, waking me up at night even, or giving-in to drinking.... I am choosing very wisely.
I will Not Drink Alcohol! And I will not bake with alcohol! And I will not have booze in my house!
More story below images.
I was triggered like crazy to drink yesterday. And I silently freaked out because I wanted to drink.
My thoughts about my teetotalerism were, "I HATE PEOPLE WHO DON'T DRINK!"
And that remembrance of that truth scared me.
have always hated people who don't drink, and I don't trust people who
don't drink. I especially don't trust people who never get drunk.
IS ALL THIS TRUE??
Because, I certainly don't want to be someone I hate!
hate righteously-religious people who don't drink. I hate
self-righteous people who don't drink.
But wait! Do I hate people who try drinking
but aren't into it? NO. That would include my eldest daughter, Anna! Do
I hate people who used to drink but quit because it became a problem?
NO! Gosh, there are so many ex-drinkers and recovered alcoholics whom I
So, PHEW! I'm saved! Saved by the self-examination!
I DON'T hate people who don't drink! So, get out of my head, Chelsea Handler!!! I don't even like you much!
...Yesterday was HELL. For HOURS I was tortured with strong cravings for alcohol and to alter my consciousness. I did everything right: I distracted myself, I wrote the above, I baked, I cleaned, I posted in MMR (link in right margin), but there is a delay waiting for the post to be approved so that was no help, I tried microdosing a cannabis Candy Heart..... I finally sort of caved, telling myself I was going to Sprouts to buy some vanilla to make fudge for my neighbors, which I was, but when I got vanilla, and the cravings were still overwhelming (by now it had been over three hours of this suffering), .....
Oh! Before I left the house I Asked The Angels To Please Help Me Stay Away From Alcohol.
In the store, something made me call my Richard for help. He didn't answer, he was at work. I then went to the wine isles, walking up and down them half conscious, looking for moscato for some reason. He called back. He managed to eventually talk me down. "Remember your Intention for next Christmas to be alcohol-free a whole year...." I bought the vanilla and went to the car and sat there and kept him on the phone while the strong cravings to drink were still there, my mind racing about which liquor store to go to.
Much later, and how I love him for dropping everything to give me his undivided attention, I was ready to drive home and eat some homemade chocolate fudge instead. Even Richard, always a normal drinker, has cravings for alcohol as a response to stress; reminding me how normal cravings are for anybody. But alcoholic cravings are much worse. On the way home I started heading towards another store, but something stopped me, I changed my mind and drove home. Alcohol-free, thank GodGoddessUniverse. I confided in Anna what happened. She sat with me for a while. I didn't want to lean too hard on her and I didn't.
The cravings really didn't go away until the evening when Richard came over (luckily he didn't have business at the college last night, his second job), and we decided to go get some Chipotle burritos.
We tried to watch a recording of The Odd Couple new series, but I couldn't handle all the DRINKING and promptly shut it down and cancelled the series in my DVR. We then watched our favorite show to watch together, People Of Earth, because there's no drinking in it! BUT THERE WAS DRINKING IN IT THIS TIME! But I got through it by fast-forwarding through the booze scenes!
As a rule, shows with bar-drinking doesn't bother me too much as I was never a bar-goer. Shows about alcoholics like Shameless doesn't bother me much either, but shows that show social drinkers at home, or that glamorize drinking.... drive me bonkers now! I MIGHT HAVE TO GIVE UP MODERN FAMILY! OH NO! I already gave up Blunt Talk. !
Whatever it takes to keep me a teetotaler, that is, I believe strongly in help, but it has to be the right help. Recovery Movement groups, I know thoroughly, cause me more harm than good.
I can't wait to see Emily tomorrow (my amazing psychologist, Dr. Emily Ziegler).
I Woke Up This Morning Feeling Battered And Traumatized, But Grateful To The Angels, And Jesus, And My Family, And Even Myself.