Wednesday, December 28, 2016

If I Could Write A Letter To My Ex-Mother, It Would Start Like This (inspired by Debbie Reynolds and Carrie Fisher)

    Dear Mom ~

             How I wish I could write you a letter right now, inspired by the newly late Debbie Reynolds and her daughter, Carrie Fisher. How I wish to pour my heart and soul out to you about what you mean to me and how much I wish we could have had what they had. How I wish I could, but I can't. I can't because it would be so unfair to myself because I have already done everything in my power to reach-out to you, to love you, to forgive you, to beg you to love me and talk to me about things, to heal our relationship, to keep you in my life, to stop being hurt by you. I have done everything for my whole life and get undesirable results every time. I've done everything I possibly can and the ball is in your court and it's truly up to you now to reach-out to me in contrition. Which will never happen. Which you will never do.

             But if I could write a letter to you, it would be a love letter. Those two great women's deaths really got to me, for their sakes and for our sakes, yours and mine. How I wish our relationship could be like that mother/daughter bond was. Our relationship does have many components that theirs had. 

            Wow, I bet lots of estranged mother and daughter relationships are going to be restored because of these deaths. 

            I think you thought about me when you heard the news. Their relationship was complicated and caustic, and Carrie told the truth about how Debbie parented (and mis-parented) her. The first book I read of Carrie's was Postcards From The Edge. Carrie and her mom have been close for decades. Debbie wanted to take care of Carrie and she did. Carrie was bipolar and an addict. Carrie straightened up. Debbie owned her stuff and made things right by her daughter. Carrie, of course, did the same for her mother. What A Beautiful Story. 

            I was never bipolar, even though you and the rest wanted and needed to believe that to justify my pariahness (Judy's crazy so it's not our fault she's out of our lives.) .....And, so, there's the other reason I can't write you a love letter, or any letter; I always have to tell the truth about what I'm thinking, feeling, and experiencing; I always have to say things you don't want to hear; I always have to hurt you

One of the reasons Christmas was so perfect this year was because my mother finally, for the first time, honored and respected me by not contacting us in any way. I hadn't felt sad about that, I felt so happy and so at peace and so free; like I'm for the first time in my long life going to be truly free. I felt and still feel so grateful to Fay for giving me the greatest gift she has ever given me (I'm crying now over this!). This is the Greatest Act Of Love My Mother Has Ever Shown Me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  OhMyFuckingGodThatIsSoFuckingSAD!!!!!!!!! But at the same time, it's so profound and beautiful that she did that for me.