Thursday, December 15, 2016

I WILL NEVER DRINK AGAIN! I WILL NEVER HURT MY LOVES THAT WAY!

  IS IT BECAUSE I WAS TOO DAMAGED TO TRULY SEE HOW MUCH I WAS TRULY HURTING MY LOVES BEFORE?!
  IS THAT WHY I NEVER CHOSE NEVER TO DRINK AGAIN FOR THEM?!
  IS IT BECAUSE I WAS RAISED BY A FAMILY WHO 'SHOWED THEIR LOVE FOR ME' BY CONTINUALLY HURTING ME?!
  IS IT BECAUSE I JUSTIFIED IT WITH 'WE ALL HURT EACH OTHER IN DIFFERENT WAYS SOMETIMES'?!
  IS IT BECAUSE I'M SIMPLY A TOXIC, SELFISH FUCKING BITCH WHO FELT ENTITLED TO PARTY OR SELF-MEDICATE?!
  IS IT BECAUSE I HONESTLY THOUGHT IT DIDN'T MATTER (OR THAT I DIDN'T MATTER) IF I DRANK OR NOT?!
  WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!?!?!
  CAN I MAKE THIS DECLARATION NOW? AND FUCKING DO IT NO MATTER WHAT!!!?  (PLEEEAASE, GODGODDESSUNIVERSE!!!!)
  FOR FUCK SAKE, JUDY!!! WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!
  **I DO HAVE THE POWER TO MAKE THIS CHOICE AND STAND BY IT FOR GOOD**

  My beloved daughters are young women now, you know? And here they are still loving me, liking me, respecting me, trusting me; as they have since they were little girls. Here they are as my grown-up mirrors of what love is, unconditional love. Here they are showing me, unequivocally, that I am worthy of love, and worthy to be alive. Here they are teaching me that it is safe to love. Here they are showing me as thinking adults that I Am Hurting My Loves With My Drinking. Here they are unintentionally enlightening me that quitting for myself was not enough, was not enough!

AMEN


  Two weeks ago I was bemoaning to my therapist that I couldn't stay stopped drinking because my dead ex-father and my ex-sister had quit drinking, and I couldn't be like them; I needed to be different from them. I was in great conflict and confusion over this. 

  I Just Awakened!: My ex-father quit drinking so he wouldn't lose his meal ticket (his third wife divorcing him). My ex-sister quit drinking so she'd be allowed to see her grandkids. And she said that she'll never say never! Those are purely self-centered reasons to quit drinking and have not a fucking thing to do with Love.

  They were my role-models. But I finally Woke Up!! I am tapping-in to what True Love is!! And I get to be better than them, I have to be better than them!

  It's all a mind-set. Everything is a mind-set.