Wednesday, December 28, 2016

If I Could Write A Letter To My Ex-Mother, It Would Start Like This (inspired by Debbie Reynolds and Carrie Fisher)


    Dear Mom ~

             How I wish I could write you a letter right now, inspired by the newly late Debbie Reynolds and her daughter, Carrie Fisher. How I wish to pour my heart and soul out to you about what you mean to me and how much I wish we could have had what they had. How I wish I could, but I can't. I can't because it would be so unfair to myself because I have already done everything in my power to reach-out to you, to love you, to forgive you, to beg you to love me and talk to me about things, to heal our relationship, to keep you in my life, to stop being hurt by you. I have done everything for my whole life and get undesirable results every time. I've done everything I possibly can and the ball is in your court and it's truly up to you now to reach-out to me in contrition. Which will never happen. Which you will never do.

             But if I could write a letter to you, it would be a love letter. Those two great women's deaths really got to me, for their sakes and for our sakes, yours and mine. How I wish our relationship could be like that mother/daughter bond was. Our relationship does have many components that theirs had. 

            Wow, I bet lots of estranged mother and daughter relationships are going to be restored because of these deaths. 

            I think you thought about me when you heard the news. Their relationship was complicated and caustic, and Carrie told the truth about how Debbie parented (and mis-parented) her. The first book I read of Carrie's was Postcards From The Edge. Carrie and her mom have been close for decades. Debbie wanted to take care of Carrie and she did. Carrie was bipolar and an addict. Carrie straightened up. Debbie owned her stuff and made things right by her daughter. Carrie, of course, did the same for her mother. What A Beautiful Story. 

            I was never bipolar, even though you and the rest wanted and needed to believe that to justify my pariahness (Judy's crazy so it's not our fault she's out of our lives.) .....And, so, there's the other reason I can't write you a love letter, or any letter; I always have to tell the truth about what I'm thinking, feeling, and experiencing; I always have to say things you don't want to hear; I always have to hurt you
___________________________________


One of the reasons Christmas was so perfect this year was because my mother finally, for the first time, honored and respected me by not contacting us in any way. I hadn't felt sad about that, I felt so happy and so at peace and so free; like I'm for the first time in my long life going to be truly free. I felt and still feel so grateful to Fay for giving me the greatest gift she has ever given me (I'm crying now over this!). This is the Greatest Act Of Love My Mother Has Ever Shown Me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  OhMyFuckingGodThatIsSoFuckingSAD!!!!!!!!! But at the same time, it's so profound and beautiful that she did that for me.

Monday, December 19, 2016

Divine Intervention Spared Me From Having To Return To 'CultAA' :)

First off, I can't call it "CultAA" without offending people, and I'm truly sorry about that. But I'm being honest in my feelings and experience. It really is a cult; a cult of a different kind, but a cult nonetheless. Do your own research. !


I love this story I'm about to tell!

About 10 years ago I vowed never to return to CultAA after having fully immersed myself in it off and on over a couple decades. I made that vow not because I wanted to drink but because the organization did me more harm than good. As is true for thousands of folks.

Well, during this last bout with problem drinking on account of I'm an alcoholic and can't drink normally for very long,....I should back up in this tale to tell you that I have tried every sobriety organization available since leaving CultAA......desperate to STAY STOPPED drinking, after my last drink ever on December 9th, I surrendered to whatever it would take, and I opened my heart and mind to giving CultAA another chance.

I picked a speaker meeting in Hillcrest (gay area of San Diego), thinking it would be the least-religious and have the most open-minded people, not to mention the most politically correct thinkers.

My youngest millennial daughter, Bethany, hesitantly agreed to go with me for moral support. After all, how to go back there all by myself the first time?!

I had 24 hours to change my mind before the meeting time rolled around! I surprisingly did not change my mind! Bethany and I agreed to attempt this endeavor as an experiment. (Smart!) Driving there that evening I kept remarking, "I can't believe we're doing this!" She couldn't either.

All I knew was that I was determined never to drink again but that the search was on to find the right help.

Here's the note Bethany wrote me on my last drunk 12/9. I put it on my wall! I had told my daughters not to be afraid to confront me about my drinking, and voilĂ !:



At this point in my journey I really thought that CultAA was my only option for permanent sobriety, and that I had been in denial about not needing them. After all, they programmed it into my mind that I was powerless and couldn't live a sober life or a good life without them. Maybe they were right after all?

We approached the connecting ramp to 163 South that would take us to our destination.....Slam on the breaks! Let out a scream! Stop the car! Total gridlock on the long two-lane 163 ramp! The traffic was at a standstill! Being rather tuned-in to promptings from the universe, it only took me a matter of moments to recognize that because it would be impossible to make it to the meeting, it was absolutely Divine Intervention saving us from going to that meeting, and sparing me from mistakenly or unnecessarily breaking my vow! And clearly that was true because I felt relaxed in my body over that understanding; and also, we were stopped right at the fork, which allowed us to escape around the barrier back onto the freeway! ....By the way, it was a Sunday evening around 6:30 p.m., so it wasn't commuter traffic.

You never saw two more relieved and smiley women! Great chat and laughter ensued all the way to Starbucks back in our neighborhood in Fletcher Hills---where I treated my beloved girl, who had been so willing to make such a sacrifice for me, to a hot cocoa!

Ever since that truly sacred moment I have felt entirely grounded in sobriety and entirely confident that GodGoddessUniverse would bring me the help that was right for ME. ALL MY FEAR AND DOUBT IN MYSELF ABOUT HOW TO STAY SOBER HAD MELTED AWAY.

And sure enough, that help was a brand new MINDSET of DECLARING what I want and owning it (thus my mouse-art in right margin!), which also brought the Prince of Peace (see pic at bottom of right margin) closer into my heart---affirming that "I Am The Light, The Light I Am"---and also happily making me realize that for now, the new Quantum Sobriety group I had found (link in right margin) would be helpful and enough support for me!

Here's my prior Divine Intervention healing post full of loving and helpful inspiration for ALL! Click:

 My Angelic Healing From Alcohol

And here's my power-declaration post. Click:

 I WILL NEVER DRINK AGAIN! I WILL NEVER HURT MY LOVES THAT WAY!



Thursday, December 15, 2016

I WILL NEVER DRINK AGAIN! I WILL NEVER HURT MY LOVES THAT WAY!

  IS IT BECAUSE I WAS TOO DAMAGED TO TRULY SEE HOW MUCH I WAS TRULY HURTING MY LOVES BEFORE?!
  IS THAT WHY I NEVER CHOSE NEVER TO DRINK AGAIN FOR THEM?!
  IS IT BECAUSE I WAS RAISED BY A FAMILY WHO 'SHOWED THEIR LOVE FOR ME' BY CONTINUALLY HURTING ME?!
  IS IT BECAUSE I JUSTIFIED IT WITH 'WE ALL HURT EACH OTHER IN DIFFERENT WAYS SOMETIMES'?!
  IS IT BECAUSE I'M SIMPLY A TOXIC, SELFISH FUCKING BITCH WHO FELT ENTITLED TO PARTY OR SELF-MEDICATE?!
  IS IT BECAUSE I HONESTLY THOUGHT IT DIDN'T MATTER (OR THAT I DIDN'T MATTER) IF I DRANK OR NOT?!
  WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!?!?!
  CAN I MAKE THIS DECLARATION NOW? AND FUCKING DO IT NO MATTER WHAT!!!?  (PLEEEAASE, GODGODDESSUNIVERSE!!!!)
  FOR FUCK SAKE, JUDY!!! WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!
  **I DO HAVE THE POWER TO MAKE THIS CHOICE AND STAND BY IT FOR GOOD**

  My beloved daughters are young women now, you know? And here they are still loving me, liking me, respecting me, trusting me; as they have since they were little girls. Here they are as my grown-up mirrors of what love is, unconditional love. Here they are showing me, unequivocally, that I am worthy of love, and worthy to be alive. Here they are teaching me that it is safe to love. Here they are showing me as thinking adults that I Am Hurting My Loves With My Drinking. Here they are unintentionally enlightening me that quitting for myself was not enough, was not enough!

AMEN


  Two weeks ago I was bemoaning to my therapist that I couldn't stay stopped drinking because my dead ex-father and my ex-sister had quit drinking, and I couldn't be like them; I needed to be different from them. I was in great conflict and confusion over this. 

  I Just Awakened!: My ex-father quit drinking so he wouldn't lose his meal ticket (his third wife divorcing him). My ex-sister quit drinking so she'd be allowed to see her grandkids. And she said that she'll never say never! Those are purely self-centered reasons to quit drinking and have not a fucking thing to do with Love.

  They were my role-models. But I finally Woke Up!! I am tapping-in to what True Love is!! And I get to be better than them, I have to be better than them!

  It's all a mind-set. Everything is a mind-set.









Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Let's Happily Disregard That Last Post!

I know it is possible for me to give up the TRAP of drinking, permanently!
Yes, even me!
My last drink was Friday, and I have so much to write about! (So, much more to come.)
Thank You So Much For Sharing In My Journey With Your Caring And Interest!


Friday, December 9, 2016

This



If I'm lying I'm dying.
I'll never ever give up alcohol completely.
It's part of my Being.